Failure...

So... ventage. Stupidly looked through profiles of old high school class mates. Now I feel just so... depressed. I blame it on forgetting my medication today. But really... what have I done with my life so far? Failed out of college. Got fat. Had a baby that I can't afford and living on welfare. Married to a man with a part time job. I love my husband. I love my baby. I love myself. Why do I feel this way? I'm not a failure. I'm a wonderful mother and a pretty good wife. Brandon's joined the Air Force and he'll be making something of himself soon.

Is that why? Because I'm not making something of myself? A mother is something. A home maker is something. Why does society have to make women feel like if they don't have a career they suck? Someone has to raise the children of the next generation... Not everyone can send their children to day care and hire maids so they can work all day. I don't like it. It's pissing me off. I'm smart. I'm fucking smart as hell. I don't need a piece of paper on the wall that cost $40,000+ to prove it. In today's economy that piece of paper may be decorating a wall in a trailer because the only job they could get is at the local McDonalds. Stop feeling so worthless!

I am beautiful. I can't help it I'm over weight. Yes, to some degree I can... but seriously... I eat better than Brandon. I exercise more than Brandon. I am, according to Wii Fit, in better shape than Brandon. I can do the yoga poses better, the strength training better, the exercise games better... and am still 150lbs over weight. I don't eat all day. In fact, I probably don't eat enough. I don't eat junk all the time. I eat healthier than most Americans these days. We don't even HAVE cable so I don't sit around watching TV or on the internet all day. I can't blame being a mother though, I weigh less now then I did before I had Madelynn. People still find me attractive. Brandon still finds me sexy and he is all that matters! He gets a raging hard on just laying beside me anymore... And he's not the type to get a boner at the drop of a hat anymore. Stop it!

Just stop it... stop it all... don't do this again. You were doing so well... Stop clinging to everyone like they are a life line. Yes they are your friends. Yes you miss them terribly... but don't neglect yourself just to sit around hoping they may get on. It's 5am! Do you think anyone will be getting on right now?! Seriously, go to bed, get some sleep so you can deal with your darling baby tomorrow and not fall apart at the seams because you're exhausted. You should have went home to your own bed. You've been gone for a week. You missed home. You missed sleeping with your husband. What the hell are you doing?! You didn't prepare for this. You have no bottles here and may not have formula. What kind of parent are you, putting the internet before your own daughter? Piece of shit woman... Grow up and step up. If you don't want to be a failure at life then don't be, be a good mother. Go home and get shit done. Get off the internet you addict.

Go... go... just fucking GO! No one is on and no one is getting on. There isn't just one more thing you need to check. It will be here in the morning. It will be here tomorrow. No one posted, no one said anything because they are not crazy and they are in bed. You're yawning. You're exhausted. So GOOOOOOOOOO.

I'm going.

So much to do, so little time...

AHHHH a million and one projects I'd like to do but no time to do them! Tons of things for Madelynn... things for my dolls... things for my best friend... things for my Gram... One day... haha

I need to go home, Brandon's going to wonder where I am... but I'm so lonely and I don't want to leave yet. Plus Madelynn's sleeping, she missed her nap and is a bit fussy now so I'm letting her have a little nap now. Gaw I need internet at home!

March 3rd

A blog? Seriously... way to conform (you could be a non-conformist too if you were just like me) eh... oh well. Better to blog than explode.

What was I thinking?! Why did I think I could do this? I feel like I'm starving; starving for information. Where is it? Why don't they give you some reading material before you do these things... I guess they do, but for the men who are joining, not their wives... I just feel lost, confused, over whelmed... Like I was dropped into another country that doesn't speak the same language as I do. I want to ask questions but I can't. How do you ask about things you don't know you don't know?

I don't know where to start and I am scared... I don't want things to go badly. I will feel guilty. I feel like I've pushed him into this thing. I must convince myself I haven't. Just look at how he's blossomed at the chance to make something of himself! But what about me? Now I'm the loser with no direction in life... Now what am I going to do, what will become of me...

I'm tired, so tired... my nerves feel so frazzled. Why does the question have to be so hard? It's like a big maze with no way to get to where I want to go... I want to feel sane again. I don't want to snap at my husband for no reason. I want to feel love toward my daughter. If only I could get the meds... if only they weren't so expensive. Quit my job and get insurance? My job is part of the reason I need the meds... but without my job no internet. No internet means no friends. Yes, I'm that pathetic. I hardly feel like attempting to make friends if we're just going to be leaving soon.

Oh well... here comes Brandon, time for sleep I suppose. I do hope tomorrow is better...