March 3rd

A blog? Seriously... way to conform (you could be a non-conformist too if you were just like me) eh... oh well. Better to blog than explode.

What was I thinking?! Why did I think I could do this? I feel like I'm starving; starving for information. Where is it? Why don't they give you some reading material before you do these things... I guess they do, but for the men who are joining, not their wives... I just feel lost, confused, over whelmed... Like I was dropped into another country that doesn't speak the same language as I do. I want to ask questions but I can't. How do you ask about things you don't know you don't know?

I don't know where to start and I am scared... I don't want things to go badly. I will feel guilty. I feel like I've pushed him into this thing. I must convince myself I haven't. Just look at how he's blossomed at the chance to make something of himself! But what about me? Now I'm the loser with no direction in life... Now what am I going to do, what will become of me...

I'm tired, so tired... my nerves feel so frazzled. Why does the question have to be so hard? It's like a big maze with no way to get to where I want to go... I want to feel sane again. I don't want to snap at my husband for no reason. I want to feel love toward my daughter. If only I could get the meds... if only they weren't so expensive. Quit my job and get insurance? My job is part of the reason I need the meds... but without my job no internet. No internet means no friends. Yes, I'm that pathetic. I hardly feel like attempting to make friends if we're just going to be leaving soon.

Oh well... here comes Brandon, time for sleep I suppose. I do hope tomorrow is better...