Memories and Pain

So... haven't been around because I've been sick with something... or it was just my period fucking with me bad. Either way, I've been feeling like shit. I haven't really exercised much other than a simple walk.

Anyway, the 28th we had Easy Mock Risotto: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Delicious-and-Easy-Mock-Risotto/Detail.aspx DELICIOUS. Tasted like chicken noodle soup.. (I added a can of cooked chicken)

Today I made Slow Cooker Lentils and Sausage, using hot Italian sausage instead of polish sausage. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Slow-Cooker-Lentils-and-Sausage/Detail.aspx
Ew, I didn't like lentils... so we took it to my Grams and went for Chinese.. haha

Not going to weigh myself on period week... that's just beating a dying horse. lol

On a side note...
I've decided on a tattoo and a placement. I want to design something with cherry blossoms in mind. It'll be under my hair over my ear. It will be mainly for my dear friend who died of leukemia... but also for all the others in my life touched by cancer like my Grandmother. Both lost their hair at some point in their fight against their cancer.

I wanted to do flowers because they are beautiful, just like they are. And after I read the meaning behind cherry blossoms in both Chinese and Japanese culture? Set and locked.

Chinese Cherry Blossom

For the Chinese the cherry blossom is a very significant symbol of power. Typically it represent a feminine beauty and sexuality and often holds an idea of power or feminine dominance. Within the language of herbs and herbal lore of the Chinese the cherry blossom is often the symbol of love.

Japanese Cherry Blossom

For the Japanese the cherry blossom holds very different meaning. The cherry blossom is a very delicate flower that blooms for a very short time. For the Japanese this represents the transience of life. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all life is suffering and transitory. The Japanese have long held strong to the Buddhist belief of the transitory nature of life and it is very noble to not get too attached to a particular outcome or not become emotional because it will all pass in time.

The fallen cherry blossom is not taken lightly in Japanese symbolism either. It often represents the beauty of snow and there are many connections made in Japanese literature or poetry to a fallen cherry blossom and snow. This also has been extended to the life of a warrior whose life was ended early in battle.

As you can see in both cultures the symbolism and meaning behind the cherry blossom is very significant and powerful at the same time. It is important to think about these symbols and connect this with what your personally believe the cherry blossom represents. If you still want to get a cherry blossom tattoo and the above meaning from the Japanese culture or the Chinese culture do not speak to you or you're somehow view the cherry blossom in a very different way then it is okay to still get a cherry blossom tattoo. However, it is always important to know the symbolism before getting a tattoo permanently done.

Some family may shit a brick, but after I explain they'll shut up real fast. Besides, after 7 years of my behavior you'd think nothing would be unexpected anymore. haha

Excuses

I could come up with some, I could come up with some real good believable ones... but I won't. I'll cut the bull shit and go straight to the point. I did jack shit by way of working out today... It poured out and I was stuck inside. Instead of working out on the Wii though I did some MUCH needed house work. I also made some baby food for Madelynn.

But I DID keep to the menu, day one! We had Whole Wheat Blueberry Pancakes (superrrr yum!), hash browns, and bacon. Breakfast for dinner, love it!

No picture... I forgot and already lost some of my clothes <.< >.> I like to walk around less than fully dressed, it's more comfortable.

Yesterday's Weight: 259.5lbs
Weight: 260.4lbs

Fuck you fluctuation. Plus, I'm going to get my period soon. Evil PMS.

Measurements
Upper Arm: 16"
Stomach: 47"
Hips: 55"
Thighs: 29"

I'm rather embarrassed to put this on the internet... but it's time to give myself a rude awakening and start working harder!

Go Stephanie GO!

Procrastination is the WORD

Yeah... tomorrow is another day. Today was crazy trying to get packed up and down to our photo appointment. Things got hectic and I didn't get done nearly as much as I wanted. Sadly Mommy and Wifey things go before Me stuff. I didn't get to exercise but we did a heck of a lot of walking! Hardly ate, picked better things than I normally would have for what I ate too.

Totally will be getting measurements and a picture tomorrow... some how. This is serious now. I'm serious... I'M SERIOUS!

Okay, now that I've pounded that into my head... haha

Anyway, day two and I'm already failing. Such is life with a child eh? Oh well, I'm counting it anyway. Walking around stores is still walking! Besides, it was pouring rain all day.

Weight Yesterday: 261
Weight: 259.5

Stupid fluctuation. This is why you're not suppose to weigh yourself every day. Oh well. Onward!

Let's Get This Party Started!

Day One!

A slow start. It was a cold rainy day, there goes my walk!

Looked into getting Shape Ups sneakers... they are $100! Never in my life have I spent so much on shoes! Most was $40... I'll really have to think before investing in those!

Had some cereal for breakfast (at lunch time, haha). Had spaghetti at dinner, a much smaller portion than usual and without the usual hamburger inside the sauce.

Worked out for 60mins, burned 350 calories! Very tired and sore right now but it'll get easier soon.

I should do measurements/pictures today... but well I'll just wait until tomorrow. I'm getting pictures done tomorrow anyway.

It's slow going, as I said, but let's hope it's like a snow ball down a hill! <3

Determination

I watched a movie last night (Julie and Julia, if you haven't watched it and have time, do. It was very cute. It made my heart happy to see such love shared between Julia and her husband!) and saw a soft core sex scene... and the man was holding the woman up, carrying her to the bed room to do their thing. I had a small pain in my heart; oh how I want to be able to do that with Brandon! I feel like the couple that the woman is super fat and the man very thin... and the woman never shares much food with the man. Whereas this is def. not true (I very often make sure Brandon eats much more than me), I still feel like people may look at us and see this.

I am tired tired tired of being fat! Wait, save your breathe. I don't want to hear people telling me I'm not fat. The cold honest truth is, that I am. Scientifically I am obese, morbidly so according to some BMI calculators. I'm not about to become anorexic in order to lose the weight. I will do it in a healthy manner; I have a husband and baby to take care of!

Desperately I want our lifestyle to become more healthy. I DO NOT want Madelynn growing up fighting with this. Genetics have a lot to do with it. I want her to have a healthy start, so she isn't in this situation. I would be a terrible mother if I were to help her become what I am now... I've suffered a lot for it and probably will quite a bit more before I leave this world and I'd like her to be able to avoid as much as possible.

Thus! I am going to start working on it now. I am, after I am done with this blog, going to print out a calender to make a meal schedule. My biggest problem is not knowing what to make thus I don't and Brandon ends up getting take out. I will make a shopping list, go buy it, and make this food. I will pick healthier things; whole wheat over white, baked over fried, water over soda. Every day the weather is nice we will go for walks. Every night after she goes to sleep I will exercise at least 30 mins.

I've lost 40 lbs so far. Lets keep going another 75lbs!