Updates

As you can tell, my diet fell through. It's really just so difficult to keep up with something like that when you get no results. It's obvious I need more help than just healthier eating and more exercising. Whereas I haven't been blogging, I still eat healthier than I used to and exercise more than I did. Why? Because I refuse to allow my daughter to grow up in the same way. I want her to learn that whole wheat IS good, and white bleached things are bland and pasty. I want her to learn that fresh fruits and veggies are delicious and not "icky". I will feed her home cooked meals, none of the constant trips to the local fast food places.

It's just very disheartening when; even after doing all this, nothing shows for it. True, my body feels a bit better. I don't feel full of nastiness... but I'm depressed and there is just no working around that as of now.

Our money situation is getting worse. I have no insurance and can't get insurance unless I'm not working... but although I'm not working a lot, we can't afford for me to quit. I can't afford to go to the doctor and GET on medication much less pay for said medication. I cried to night; not the first night over it but this time I was more upset over the people I know who DO have the resources to get help but don't use them. They say they are unhappy and depressed... so do something about it! I can't. It's killing me. Madelynn wants to play and I just want to curl into a ball and hide from the world. It makes me want to weep. She is growing up SO fast. I had to stop breast feeding at 4 months to get on meds so I could feel I actually loved her. Now, 3 months later, I'm in the same situation but this time without at least the bond of breast feeding. Out of her 8 months alive, I've missed out on 7. I regret it... the timing of course, not her... I feel awful. Not much I can do about it now though...

But to some good news. Brandon finally has orders for the Air Force. I'm excited to get out of this rut. He will be getting paid $1,000 a month while in basic and then $1,700 while he's in school. I will be living with my Dad so all that money will be going toward bills (car insurance and cell phone, not much) and debt. We can finally dig ourselves out and be productive members of society again. No more living on welfare, no more late payments or none at all. I'm excited and I know he is too. Ever since he joined up I can tell he's got more pride in himself again. I love it. I love him so, I never wanted to see him as broken as he was.

But with this excitement is stark raving fear. My husband is leaving for over 3 months... Since we got physically together (we LD dated for 3 years), we haven't been apart more than a week. He literally works half a block away... and during long shifts, we often come visit him. Now, I know we can handle it, our love is strong. We did it before, while hormones were raging and others tempted... while we were young and it seemed we'd never be together. But I'm worried. I'm worried about being able to handle Madelynn myself. I'm worried that he'll change and we'll drift apart... mostly I'm worried because it seems like all the women around me have TERRIBLE relationships with their military spouses... Eh, I shouldn't let them impact my relationship with my husband. But I worry. It's what I do. Depression doesn't help that either...

Wait! I thought we moved on from depressing updates! My bad. Anyway, lets update on some crafty things! For quite a while I was interested in cloth diapers. I bought a lot of fabric. I read articles. I bought a pattern... printed it out, cut it out... but then I was over whelmed and ended up avoiding it for a long time. Well, because of the money situation (and help from an awesome tutorial Kim sent me) I picked it up again. It's going a bit slow (it's difficult to craft when you just want to be lethargic) but I have 4 diapers made so far. They were mostly experimental because they aren't perfect, but each was a learning experience. I feel confident that within a diaper or two I will have it down. Hopefully I can kick myself into gear and start pumping them out. How good it feels to be saving money and the earth! So... if you talk to me, ask me if I started working on a diaper yet ;)

I've also had a few other craft ventures going on. A while ago I made some nursing necklaces and a magnetic bracelet/necklace. Sadly they haven't sold yet. I also made key chain glass jar with a live moss ball inside! I thought it would be popular but none of them sold either (I'd totally buy one if I saw'em online <.< >.>). So, I've decided I'm going to look into getting a table at the local craft fairs this fall and hopefully sell some of this stuff at price (I hardly expect a profit anymore T_T)

But apparently those failures haven't daunted me at all. I bought alligator clasps on Etsy and am currently making little hair bows for babies. Thankfully the clasps weren't expensive (less than $5) and the bows I'm making out of small bits of fabric... so if this venture fails at least I won't lose much money >_< If it does though, I'm done!

Well everyone, it's 7am and I'm exhausted. Perhaps my brain will shut up for a while at actually let me sleep now? Just in time to get a few hours of sleep before doing things all over again... pity, Brandon gets a day off work just as I have to work. Life is lovely. Whatever, forget me. Happy crafting everyone!