Updates

As you can tell, my diet fell through. It's really just so difficult to keep up with something like that when you get no results. It's obvious I need more help than just healthier eating and more exercising. Whereas I haven't been blogging, I still eat healthier than I used to and exercise more than I did. Why? Because I refuse to allow my daughter to grow up in the same way. I want her to learn that whole wheat IS good, and white bleached things are bland and pasty. I want her to learn that fresh fruits and veggies are delicious and not "icky". I will feed her home cooked meals, none of the constant trips to the local fast food places.

It's just very disheartening when; even after doing all this, nothing shows for it. True, my body feels a bit better. I don't feel full of nastiness... but I'm depressed and there is just no working around that as of now.

Our money situation is getting worse. I have no insurance and can't get insurance unless I'm not working... but although I'm not working a lot, we can't afford for me to quit. I can't afford to go to the doctor and GET on medication much less pay for said medication. I cried to night; not the first night over it but this time I was more upset over the people I know who DO have the resources to get help but don't use them. They say they are unhappy and depressed... so do something about it! I can't. It's killing me. Madelynn wants to play and I just want to curl into a ball and hide from the world. It makes me want to weep. She is growing up SO fast. I had to stop breast feeding at 4 months to get on meds so I could feel I actually loved her. Now, 3 months later, I'm in the same situation but this time without at least the bond of breast feeding. Out of her 8 months alive, I've missed out on 7. I regret it... the timing of course, not her... I feel awful. Not much I can do about it now though...

But to some good news. Brandon finally has orders for the Air Force. I'm excited to get out of this rut. He will be getting paid $1,000 a month while in basic and then $1,700 while he's in school. I will be living with my Dad so all that money will be going toward bills (car insurance and cell phone, not much) and debt. We can finally dig ourselves out and be productive members of society again. No more living on welfare, no more late payments or none at all. I'm excited and I know he is too. Ever since he joined up I can tell he's got more pride in himself again. I love it. I love him so, I never wanted to see him as broken as he was.

But with this excitement is stark raving fear. My husband is leaving for over 3 months... Since we got physically together (we LD dated for 3 years), we haven't been apart more than a week. He literally works half a block away... and during long shifts, we often come visit him. Now, I know we can handle it, our love is strong. We did it before, while hormones were raging and others tempted... while we were young and it seemed we'd never be together. But I'm worried. I'm worried about being able to handle Madelynn myself. I'm worried that he'll change and we'll drift apart... mostly I'm worried because it seems like all the women around me have TERRIBLE relationships with their military spouses... Eh, I shouldn't let them impact my relationship with my husband. But I worry. It's what I do. Depression doesn't help that either...

Wait! I thought we moved on from depressing updates! My bad. Anyway, lets update on some crafty things! For quite a while I was interested in cloth diapers. I bought a lot of fabric. I read articles. I bought a pattern... printed it out, cut it out... but then I was over whelmed and ended up avoiding it for a long time. Well, because of the money situation (and help from an awesome tutorial Kim sent me) I picked it up again. It's going a bit slow (it's difficult to craft when you just want to be lethargic) but I have 4 diapers made so far. They were mostly experimental because they aren't perfect, but each was a learning experience. I feel confident that within a diaper or two I will have it down. Hopefully I can kick myself into gear and start pumping them out. How good it feels to be saving money and the earth! So... if you talk to me, ask me if I started working on a diaper yet ;)

I've also had a few other craft ventures going on. A while ago I made some nursing necklaces and a magnetic bracelet/necklace. Sadly they haven't sold yet. I also made key chain glass jar with a live moss ball inside! I thought it would be popular but none of them sold either (I'd totally buy one if I saw'em online <.< >.>). So, I've decided I'm going to look into getting a table at the local craft fairs this fall and hopefully sell some of this stuff at price (I hardly expect a profit anymore T_T)

But apparently those failures haven't daunted me at all. I bought alligator clasps on Etsy and am currently making little hair bows for babies. Thankfully the clasps weren't expensive (less than $5) and the bows I'm making out of small bits of fabric... so if this venture fails at least I won't lose much money >_< If it does though, I'm done!

Well everyone, it's 7am and I'm exhausted. Perhaps my brain will shut up for a while at actually let me sleep now? Just in time to get a few hours of sleep before doing things all over again... pity, Brandon gets a day off work just as I have to work. Life is lovely. Whatever, forget me. Happy crafting everyone!

The Vampires Got Me!

Ugh, I gave blood today. I should never have thought to do that and do what all needed done... like taking care of my extremely fussy daughter... or cook dinner... or exercise. I DID take a walk, a short one but one none the less. My wonderful husband cooked supper for us too ^_^

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. ^_^

Sunny Weather and Bright Skies Ahead!

Period weeks is almost over, expect better work outs and more posts!

Today I went on a walk with my Mom and Madelynn though. We walked for like 2.5hrs. Probably about 3 miles. Gaw I was tired afterward. Note to self, don't go for such a far walk in crappy slip on shoes X_X I have blisters now. I need a good pair of sneakers.

I also need to stop drinking milk, oh my insides! T_T

Memories and Pain

So... haven't been around because I've been sick with something... or it was just my period fucking with me bad. Either way, I've been feeling like shit. I haven't really exercised much other than a simple walk.

Anyway, the 28th we had Easy Mock Risotto: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Delicious-and-Easy-Mock-Risotto/Detail.aspx DELICIOUS. Tasted like chicken noodle soup.. (I added a can of cooked chicken)

Today I made Slow Cooker Lentils and Sausage, using hot Italian sausage instead of polish sausage. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Slow-Cooker-Lentils-and-Sausage/Detail.aspx
Ew, I didn't like lentils... so we took it to my Grams and went for Chinese.. haha

Not going to weigh myself on period week... that's just beating a dying horse. lol

On a side note...
I've decided on a tattoo and a placement. I want to design something with cherry blossoms in mind. It'll be under my hair over my ear. It will be mainly for my dear friend who died of leukemia... but also for all the others in my life touched by cancer like my Grandmother. Both lost their hair at some point in their fight against their cancer.

I wanted to do flowers because they are beautiful, just like they are. And after I read the meaning behind cherry blossoms in both Chinese and Japanese culture? Set and locked.

Chinese Cherry Blossom

For the Chinese the cherry blossom is a very significant symbol of power. Typically it represent a feminine beauty and sexuality and often holds an idea of power or feminine dominance. Within the language of herbs and herbal lore of the Chinese the cherry blossom is often the symbol of love.

Japanese Cherry Blossom

For the Japanese the cherry blossom holds very different meaning. The cherry blossom is a very delicate flower that blooms for a very short time. For the Japanese this represents the transience of life. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all life is suffering and transitory. The Japanese have long held strong to the Buddhist belief of the transitory nature of life and it is very noble to not get too attached to a particular outcome or not become emotional because it will all pass in time.

The fallen cherry blossom is not taken lightly in Japanese symbolism either. It often represents the beauty of snow and there are many connections made in Japanese literature or poetry to a fallen cherry blossom and snow. This also has been extended to the life of a warrior whose life was ended early in battle.

As you can see in both cultures the symbolism and meaning behind the cherry blossom is very significant and powerful at the same time. It is important to think about these symbols and connect this with what your personally believe the cherry blossom represents. If you still want to get a cherry blossom tattoo and the above meaning from the Japanese culture or the Chinese culture do not speak to you or you're somehow view the cherry blossom in a very different way then it is okay to still get a cherry blossom tattoo. However, it is always important to know the symbolism before getting a tattoo permanently done.

Some family may shit a brick, but after I explain they'll shut up real fast. Besides, after 7 years of my behavior you'd think nothing would be unexpected anymore. haha

Excuses

I could come up with some, I could come up with some real good believable ones... but I won't. I'll cut the bull shit and go straight to the point. I did jack shit by way of working out today... It poured out and I was stuck inside. Instead of working out on the Wii though I did some MUCH needed house work. I also made some baby food for Madelynn.

But I DID keep to the menu, day one! We had Whole Wheat Blueberry Pancakes (superrrr yum!), hash browns, and bacon. Breakfast for dinner, love it!

No picture... I forgot and already lost some of my clothes <.< >.> I like to walk around less than fully dressed, it's more comfortable.

Yesterday's Weight: 259.5lbs
Weight: 260.4lbs

Fuck you fluctuation. Plus, I'm going to get my period soon. Evil PMS.

Measurements
Upper Arm: 16"
Stomach: 47"
Hips: 55"
Thighs: 29"

I'm rather embarrassed to put this on the internet... but it's time to give myself a rude awakening and start working harder!

Go Stephanie GO!

Procrastination is the WORD

Yeah... tomorrow is another day. Today was crazy trying to get packed up and down to our photo appointment. Things got hectic and I didn't get done nearly as much as I wanted. Sadly Mommy and Wifey things go before Me stuff. I didn't get to exercise but we did a heck of a lot of walking! Hardly ate, picked better things than I normally would have for what I ate too.

Totally will be getting measurements and a picture tomorrow... some how. This is serious now. I'm serious... I'M SERIOUS!

Okay, now that I've pounded that into my head... haha

Anyway, day two and I'm already failing. Such is life with a child eh? Oh well, I'm counting it anyway. Walking around stores is still walking! Besides, it was pouring rain all day.

Weight Yesterday: 261
Weight: 259.5

Stupid fluctuation. This is why you're not suppose to weigh yourself every day. Oh well. Onward!

Let's Get This Party Started!

Day One!

A slow start. It was a cold rainy day, there goes my walk!

Looked into getting Shape Ups sneakers... they are $100! Never in my life have I spent so much on shoes! Most was $40... I'll really have to think before investing in those!

Had some cereal for breakfast (at lunch time, haha). Had spaghetti at dinner, a much smaller portion than usual and without the usual hamburger inside the sauce.

Worked out for 60mins, burned 350 calories! Very tired and sore right now but it'll get easier soon.

I should do measurements/pictures today... but well I'll just wait until tomorrow. I'm getting pictures done tomorrow anyway.

It's slow going, as I said, but let's hope it's like a snow ball down a hill! <3

Determination

I watched a movie last night (Julie and Julia, if you haven't watched it and have time, do. It was very cute. It made my heart happy to see such love shared between Julia and her husband!) and saw a soft core sex scene... and the man was holding the woman up, carrying her to the bed room to do their thing. I had a small pain in my heart; oh how I want to be able to do that with Brandon! I feel like the couple that the woman is super fat and the man very thin... and the woman never shares much food with the man. Whereas this is def. not true (I very often make sure Brandon eats much more than me), I still feel like people may look at us and see this.

I am tired tired tired of being fat! Wait, save your breathe. I don't want to hear people telling me I'm not fat. The cold honest truth is, that I am. Scientifically I am obese, morbidly so according to some BMI calculators. I'm not about to become anorexic in order to lose the weight. I will do it in a healthy manner; I have a husband and baby to take care of!

Desperately I want our lifestyle to become more healthy. I DO NOT want Madelynn growing up fighting with this. Genetics have a lot to do with it. I want her to have a healthy start, so she isn't in this situation. I would be a terrible mother if I were to help her become what I am now... I've suffered a lot for it and probably will quite a bit more before I leave this world and I'd like her to be able to avoid as much as possible.

Thus! I am going to start working on it now. I am, after I am done with this blog, going to print out a calender to make a meal schedule. My biggest problem is not knowing what to make thus I don't and Brandon ends up getting take out. I will make a shopping list, go buy it, and make this food. I will pick healthier things; whole wheat over white, baked over fried, water over soda. Every day the weather is nice we will go for walks. Every night after she goes to sleep I will exercise at least 30 mins.

I've lost 40 lbs so far. Lets keep going another 75lbs!

Failure...

So... ventage. Stupidly looked through profiles of old high school class mates. Now I feel just so... depressed. I blame it on forgetting my medication today. But really... what have I done with my life so far? Failed out of college. Got fat. Had a baby that I can't afford and living on welfare. Married to a man with a part time job. I love my husband. I love my baby. I love myself. Why do I feel this way? I'm not a failure. I'm a wonderful mother and a pretty good wife. Brandon's joined the Air Force and he'll be making something of himself soon.

Is that why? Because I'm not making something of myself? A mother is something. A home maker is something. Why does society have to make women feel like if they don't have a career they suck? Someone has to raise the children of the next generation... Not everyone can send their children to day care and hire maids so they can work all day. I don't like it. It's pissing me off. I'm smart. I'm fucking smart as hell. I don't need a piece of paper on the wall that cost $40,000+ to prove it. In today's economy that piece of paper may be decorating a wall in a trailer because the only job they could get is at the local McDonalds. Stop feeling so worthless!

I am beautiful. I can't help it I'm over weight. Yes, to some degree I can... but seriously... I eat better than Brandon. I exercise more than Brandon. I am, according to Wii Fit, in better shape than Brandon. I can do the yoga poses better, the strength training better, the exercise games better... and am still 150lbs over weight. I don't eat all day. In fact, I probably don't eat enough. I don't eat junk all the time. I eat healthier than most Americans these days. We don't even HAVE cable so I don't sit around watching TV or on the internet all day. I can't blame being a mother though, I weigh less now then I did before I had Madelynn. People still find me attractive. Brandon still finds me sexy and he is all that matters! He gets a raging hard on just laying beside me anymore... And he's not the type to get a boner at the drop of a hat anymore. Stop it!

Just stop it... stop it all... don't do this again. You were doing so well... Stop clinging to everyone like they are a life line. Yes they are your friends. Yes you miss them terribly... but don't neglect yourself just to sit around hoping they may get on. It's 5am! Do you think anyone will be getting on right now?! Seriously, go to bed, get some sleep so you can deal with your darling baby tomorrow and not fall apart at the seams because you're exhausted. You should have went home to your own bed. You've been gone for a week. You missed home. You missed sleeping with your husband. What the hell are you doing?! You didn't prepare for this. You have no bottles here and may not have formula. What kind of parent are you, putting the internet before your own daughter? Piece of shit woman... Grow up and step up. If you don't want to be a failure at life then don't be, be a good mother. Go home and get shit done. Get off the internet you addict.

Go... go... just fucking GO! No one is on and no one is getting on. There isn't just one more thing you need to check. It will be here in the morning. It will be here tomorrow. No one posted, no one said anything because they are not crazy and they are in bed. You're yawning. You're exhausted. So GOOOOOOOOOO.

I'm going.

So much to do, so little time...

AHHHH a million and one projects I'd like to do but no time to do them! Tons of things for Madelynn... things for my dolls... things for my best friend... things for my Gram... One day... haha

I need to go home, Brandon's going to wonder where I am... but I'm so lonely and I don't want to leave yet. Plus Madelynn's sleeping, she missed her nap and is a bit fussy now so I'm letting her have a little nap now. Gaw I need internet at home!

March 3rd

A blog? Seriously... way to conform (you could be a non-conformist too if you were just like me) eh... oh well. Better to blog than explode.

What was I thinking?! Why did I think I could do this? I feel like I'm starving; starving for information. Where is it? Why don't they give you some reading material before you do these things... I guess they do, but for the men who are joining, not their wives... I just feel lost, confused, over whelmed... Like I was dropped into another country that doesn't speak the same language as I do. I want to ask questions but I can't. How do you ask about things you don't know you don't know?

I don't know where to start and I am scared... I don't want things to go badly. I will feel guilty. I feel like I've pushed him into this thing. I must convince myself I haven't. Just look at how he's blossomed at the chance to make something of himself! But what about me? Now I'm the loser with no direction in life... Now what am I going to do, what will become of me...

I'm tired, so tired... my nerves feel so frazzled. Why does the question have to be so hard? It's like a big maze with no way to get to where I want to go... I want to feel sane again. I don't want to snap at my husband for no reason. I want to feel love toward my daughter. If only I could get the meds... if only they weren't so expensive. Quit my job and get insurance? My job is part of the reason I need the meds... but without my job no internet. No internet means no friends. Yes, I'm that pathetic. I hardly feel like attempting to make friends if we're just going to be leaving soon.

Oh well... here comes Brandon, time for sleep I suppose. I do hope tomorrow is better...